© Ella Ling

Miami 2012 - Roger Federer forehand

PseudoFed column: I'm the King of Wimbledon

   

PseudoFed on his life as the King of Wimbledon (follow him on Twitter @pseudofed)

The good people at The Tennis Space were so pleased to be able to have the opportunity to ask Me to write some words for their site on the World Big Web. When one of My staff first told Me that somebody wanted to hear My thoughts on why I am the King of Wimbledon I said, “Yes”. There was then a long pause of reflection between us.

I would like to use this opportunity to give you a very quick blink into the life of the GOAT. I like to encourage such pauses amongst My entourages as I am nowadays a practitioner of sitting quietly on a little satin cushion and being grateful in every moment. This is called Mediations. I sit with My back legs crossed and relax My other ones. Every 33 seconds Mirky pings a little golden bell. May I suggest you all try this too. It will not make you the King of Wimbledon, obviously. However, do as I do and focus on Me when you hear the little bell, it may make you appreciate even more how lucky you are to be experiencing tennis in the time in which I am present.

But it’s not all about Me. We are also seeing other players too with a small chance of winning on the green grass:

– Novak Djokovic has won some things as well and I am donating the experience of allowing him to see how it feels to be the number 1 seedling. His chances are very good to slim of winning Wimbledon.

– Rafael Nadal has also won some small tournaments and a specialist on the clay made from oranges. I (GOAT) am the only player in H1STORY of winning on authentic blue clay which has very narrow margins. Nadal’s chances for the Wimbledon Championships depend on how he plays in the next 7 matches.

– Andrew Murray I say has a good chances as this is his home turfs. The only problems I think will be if he plays Tommy Haas. As I have previously discussed on My bloggings, Haas is now in charge of all things Medical in tennis in his self appointed new position of ATP Chief Surgeon, Head Consultant, Physio, Ear Nose and Neck Specialist and Gyroscopolist.

– David “Bruce Banner” Nalbandian has a good chances as we are all now a little bit apprehensions of upsetting him. You won’t like him when he’s angry. As you can see there can only be one Wimbledon King. For a start I was born a boy so can only be crowned a King. Secondly, Britain already has a Queen (Elisabeth “2” who celebrated her Jamboree this year) but I don’t believe she has ever won on grass so not sure how she became Queen. But she seems nice and polite.

Let’s look forward to Sue Parker’s little monologues before each BBC transmission for the next 2 Wimbledon Weeks. Her style shines, as does mine. What will My outfit be? Sit very tightly, all will be revealing soon.

   
  • Anna C

    Genius!!! I LOVE PseudoFed!! 

  • http://twitter.com/IrreverentQuota Rosamund Rosencrown

    Pitch perfect as always, PseudoFed. I think I laughed out loud every other sentence. Long live the King!

  • Oli Bett

    Brilliant!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000676789896 Heather Cahill

    So looking forward to seeing the King’s outfit; an ermine robe perhaps?

    • A. Wintour

      Gold! We are doing more gold! (Fitting especially this year as it can then be worn later for medal ceremony at Olympics, so I don’t have to design two outfits….cuts into my tanning time on my private beach 😉 )

  • A. Wintour

    That’s my boy – we’ll do more gold again this year methinks!

  • http://twitter.com/SpoofRafa Rafael Nadal Not
  • Pat

     Brilliant!!!

  • Tennisnerdnet

    Haha, the Nadal bit is priceless! “…has also won some small tournaments and a specialist on the clay made of oranges.”

    No-one wields the subtle derogatory comments like our Maestro and King, Roger Federer.